Don’t Should on Yourself
“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice."
― Steve Jobs
The word “should” is a keyword for me. Whenever I hear myself saying, “I should really…”, it is a reminder for me to pause and think about where this belief is coming from.
There are things we want to do, things we need to do, and things we have to do in life. For example, I might want to read the next chapter of my book club book, and I need to do laundry, but I have to feed my kids dinner right now as they are hungry.
Responsibilities we “have to” do are non-negotiables. These duties are typically required for the health, safety, and overall well-being of ourselves and others. These are self-determined obligations that can have serious consequences if not completed.
Actions that we “need” to take are tasks we have prioritized to help our work and personal lives run more smoothly. When completed, these steps generally make our lives easier and get us closer to our goals.
Activities that we “want” to undertake provide personal enrichment, enjoyment, and relaxation. These are the dreams, desires, and goals that feed our soul and make us feel alive. As long as we pursue them in a healthy way, these are the choices we make that add color to our lives.
Then we come to things we feel we “should” do. When I think of something I should do, it often comes with a sense of dread, a lump in my throat, or a pit in my stomach. “Shoulds” have a heaviness about them, and while we may follow through on them, we typically do so while reluctantly or begrudgingly dragging our feet.
Why do the “shoulds” feel so yucky? Because they usually don’t come from us. What we should (or shouldn’t!) do is often dictated by societal expectations, family beliefs, or peer pressure. Here are some examples:
“You should become a doctor or a lawyer because they make a lot of money.”
“You should study accounting because you can get a reliable job when you graduate.”
“You should work for a big company because they are more stable and you’ll get better benefits.”
“You should get into the field of AI because that is the future.”
“You should wear expensive clothes and brand-name products to make a good impression.”
“You should settle down and buy a nice house because it’s a good investment.”
In fact, “shoulds” are actually recommendations, and sometimes pressure, from others about what they think would be best for you. In reality, though, they are offering advice based on their beliefs, experiences, and fears about the world, and what they would decide in the same situation.
This is not to say the advice in the examples above is necessarily wrong. But rather that they are presented as facts and are based on others’ values, interests, and opinions, which may or may not align with yours.
Recently I spoke with a very successful businesswoman about my vision for my purpose coaching practice, Life Monarch. A bit to my surprise, she strongly suggested that I should focus instead on business consulting, given my years of experience in product development and operations. I know she gave me this advice because she believes consulting for larger companies would be a faster practice to build and perhaps a more lucrative use of my expertise. I’m sure she is right, but her recommendation assumed that my goal is to make as much money as possible as fast as possible.
I took time afterward to reflect on our conversation. As with most people whose idea or choice is challenged, I started questioning myself and wondering if maybe I was making a bad decision. In the end, I quickly returned to my own values, priorities, experiences, and passions and chose to stand strong in my commitment to help others hear, trust, and follow their own voice.
So when you hear the word “should”, whether from another person or in your head, consider it a yellow light and proceed with caution. Pause and take some time to check in with yourself, and consider whether the opinion aligns with your goals and priorities.
